What Number Are You?

Growing up as the youngest of 11 children was a novelty.  In gatherings when we were introduced to our parents friends they would ask “what number are you?”  At first I was proud to tell them I was #11, the “caboose.”  The first and last seemed special, the beginning and the end.  All nine children in the middle were lumped together, but I was proud to have my own slot just for me.  

My mom loved children and the last child represented an ending to a long season of her bringing life into the world.  Being the “baby” as she would refer to me had its perks, but it also had some setbacks too.  In a pack of children, everyone wants to be seen and set apart as special, it is human nature.  When there are so many children and time and resources are limited it can be a breeding ground for envy.  Just consider the story of Joseph from the bible.  His brothers hated him because he was favored.  I didn’t choose to be born last, and yet because of that God-given birth order, there was a favor that I completely enjoyed as well as envy that often crushed me.  

Along with being the youngest, I was super sensitive and was given the gift of empathy.  My heart bled and took on all the sorrow and pain that was around me.  My tears were of compassion and deep feeling and knowing of suffering.  This very gift became like a target on my back where I was vulnerable to attack.  My tears drew violence and mockery and boatloads of shame.  Being a baby was a bad thing but I hadn’t yet learned to contain my emotion, in fact it is still so hard for me to do.  There is a time and place to cry.  In our culture the time is “not now” and the place is alone in your room behind a closed door.  

We are taught early and told often to suck it up.  For some reason, I never quite mastered that skill.  My heart feels and so my eyes express and release the tears.  I see you and I am sad too!  This is the message of tears. It has taken over 40 years to come to a place of loving acceptance for the gift of tears.  In learning to release the heartache through tears, there is a re-ordering of the heart.  Letting go of the suffering that isn’t mine to bear opens up a space deep inside for God’s light and compassionate love to fill and restore and make new.

Many years ago, in a women’s study the question, “What number are you?” returned.  I found it a little off-putting because I had no understanding of what she was referring to.   As those at the table chimed in and engaged in a rich conversation about the Enneagram, I sunk into the confusion and shame of not knowing.  I resisted learning about it though my curiosity was piqued.  I didn’t want to be known as a number again; I wanted to be seen and valued as so much more.  Over time my heart and passion for the Enneagram has shifted.  Although I don’t like to ask people “what’s your number?” I do want to know how they see the world and what tends to pull them out of the light of God’s glory and how they have learned to recognize and return to their essence. 

The Enneagram is a powerful tool that helps bring order and goodness in places of confusion and chaos.

It ushers in connection, curiosity, kindness and compassion.  As we begin to understand who we are at the core of our being and learn to love and bless the unique lens God has given us to see and engage the world, we are bringing the Kingdom of God to earth.  

As we return to this posture of radical self love and acceptance we are then able to share that gift with those we encounter.  We are so much more than a number and yet, numbers are helpful for bringing order and helping us learn and understand God’s creation and perfect design.  He created something different on each of the seven days in which he spoke order into chaos.  We are each created with unique gifts and passions to bring order to our lives and the kingdom of God.  You are invited to take a step and explore the mystery of the Enneagram so that you can experience the fullness of God’s love for you and those he has blessed you with.

(originally posted on www.redtentliving.com)

Please join us for our first ever Virtual Healing Your Trauma using the Enneagram Workshop on Saturday, May 9th as we explore the power of the Enneagram, Your story and Healing. Click HERE to sign up.

Writing Myself Well

My mind races and I have the undeniable urge to run out of the room.  I grip the arms of my chair to make sure that I don’t.  I am about to share a painful childhood experience with a group of near strangers.  They are staring at me with kind expectancy.  I have willingly agreed to do this for The Allender Center’s Certificate Training program, but now it seems like a foolish, exposing thing to do.  Something akin to how I would feel if I went grocery shopping naked. 

Why would I choose to write about such a tragic time in my life and then willingly share it with others?  Was I crazy?  It seems so counter intuitive to everything I have been taught by my parents, the church and well-meaning friends.  

As a society, we are encouraged to put the past behind us and press onward and upward. “What’s done is done” and “don’t cry over spilled milk” are two refrains I’ve heard over and over again.  Even Paul in the book of Philippians tells us to forget what is behind us and press ahead to the prize that is in Christ. 

I had done a great deal of pressing on, yet my spiritual walk had become anything but joyful and life giving.  Instead, I felt weary, run down and just getting by with a low-grade numbness invading the crevices of my soul.  Could there be another way?  Could it be possible that Jesus was asking me to enter some of the more painful stories of my life; stories that I would much rather keep sealed off never to be opened again? 

What if maybe, just maybe, Jesus is really behind me, not just ahead of me. What if he is wooing and calling me to write and share some of these painful experiences so that I can find redemption from the pain, patterns and debris of my past that is keeping me from experiencing the abundant life I’ve been promised?

Dr. Dan Allender’s book, To Be Told, resonates deeply with me. He states:  

“Our own story is the thing that most influences and shapes our outlook, our tendencies, our choices and our decisions.  It is the force that orients us toward the future, and yet we don’t give it a second thought, much less careful examination.  It’s time we listen to our own story.” 

I guess it was my time.

My voice falters as I begin.  I start to read the particular details of one of my painful childhood stories; the Bee Gee song that was playing on the radio, the sting of the hot August sun on my adolescent skin... 

We had been instructed by our leader not to narrate our stories as if bystanders casually observing the action from a safe distance, but instead to get back down in the dirt of the story.  I was consciously using my senses to kick up the dust as I walk back through it. 

I continue reading, allowing the images, sights, sounds and the presence of the characters involved wash over me.  I could actually feel myself as that twelve-year old girl again. 

I keep sharing this way and as I do my jaw clenches and I feel a heavy knot in the pit of my stomach.  The flush of shame rises from my chest into my face as I recount the intense feelings of powerlessness and betrayal that marked me in this particular story.  I am walking in the valley of the shadow of death and it feels like hell.  Waves of grief come as I experience the pain and agony of this particular time in my life afresh.  I somehow finish but the sorrow is deep and the tears continue to flow. 

I catch my breath and gather the courage to look up, cautiously making eye contact with my fellow story sojourners who have just witnessed my intense valley walk.  Their faces are brimming with tears.  Many of them seem to be as shaken as I am.

There is a deafening silence and then something remarkable happens. 

They begin speaking beauty into my sad and grief filled soul with curiosity, kindness and compassion.  They start making holy observations and pointing out profound truths I had never had eyes to see before.  They ask insightful questions and we explore my story more in depth and then, through shared eyes, new truths are revealed to me.  This stunning care towards me and my story starts to shake loose a new way of seeing and an unbelievable freedom is being born in its wake.  Through this process, I break strong-holds that my past had on me which I didn’t even know existed.  

A torn piece of me is sewn back together again. 

I feel a shiver of joy rush through me and a lightness of being that I still can’t quite explain.

Since that first time, I have pondered, written and shared other foundational stories from my life and have cried many tears in the process.  Each time, I am newly amazed at the transformation that happens when I write and re-enter my stories in this way.  It is in and through the valley where I have found freedom from some deep seeded wounds and vows which were keeping me from experiencing the prize of Christ that Paul was speaking of; joy, delight, love, wellness.

Walking in our valley experiences is not for the faint of heart.  It can be a treacherous path filled with unexpected twists, turns and precarious land mines. And the fruits of this particular labor make it worth the journey.  

Billy Graham once said; "Mountaintops are for views and inspiration, but fruit is grown in the valleys." 

How true I have found this on my own healing path. So, what about you? Will you come and spend a little time in your valleys?  I promise you, the beautiful, majestic mountains are just on the other side, waiting for you. 

---

To sign up for one of our open story groups, click HERE

You can learn more about The Allender Center and the amazing work they do in the world by clicking HERE

Its All About Love

Have you ever loved something or someone so much that your heart hurt to hold it all? 

This is how I feel about my family.  They are constantly expanding my heart and helping me grow more and more in my capacity to love and be loved. It is a precious and painful gift.  I believe our hearts are meant to continue to expand and open wider and wider into a beautiful love that connect us to our true self, others, God and all of creation.  This perfect love is unlimited and all encompassing and it starts in you.

This Christmas was different for our family.  Instead of gifts, we gave our children a trip to Mexico.  When they asked me what I wanted as a gift, I asked them to take an Enneagram assessment.  My desire for connection is strong and I believe the Enneagram provides language and insights that help us connect to the best possible version of ourselves so we can bring our best to the world. 

In theory it was a great idea, in reality it was a little rough. 

What was learned is that everyone has different levels of awareness, desire, and capacity to engage in these topics.  My family is no different than the world that you will each bring your awareness into.  Some people want to engage and seek to understand and grow, some people will push against and challenge every little bit that you bring to the table.  Some people will want to argue and be right, others won’t say a word in an effort to keep the peace.  Our family discussion represented just some of the differences in personality styles that affect you whether you acknowledge it or not. 

The wisdom of the Enneagram runs deep and expands in all directions.  I don’t believe it can be mastered, but it is an on ramp to self-awareness and love that will carry you forward on your journey toward optimal health, connection, balance, and productivity.  Once you take an assessment or discover your number, you have only just begun.  This starting point is where you get curious and begin to test it out.

For example, if you test as a 7, you want to begin to notice the ways in which your need for fun and adventure might bring you closer to the ones you love and when it might pull you away from them.  Awareness is always the beginning.  From this place of awareness, you always have the power to choose. 

The Enneagram is an invitation to choose love.  The love and acceptance that you bring to yourself on this journey becomes a gift to those around you.  You can only give to others what you yourself have received.  As you begin to rest in the truth of who you are at your core and begin to celebrate your unique goodness, this love and acceptance becomes a safe harbor for those around you.  Once you love and accept yourself, you are able to see past the irritants in the others around you and choose to love and accept them in the unique way that they have been created. 

Just like one discussion around our dinner table didn’t take us to that beautiful vision I had for connection, your work on this journey will take commitment and time.  If you are committed to this journey of self awareness and love, your rewards will be far greater than you could ask or imagine.  At the end of the day we have each been created to give and receive love perfectly and freely.  The wisdom of the Enneagram is a precious gift of love.  To remember that you have been perfectly created and have a unique gift to share with the world is a cause to pause and celebrate, to love yourself as you are, and to take a brave step toward loving those around you exactly as they are today.  Socrates in his wisdom said “An unexamined life is not worth living.” 

Will you commit in 2019 to examine your life in a way that leads you to love yourself and this one life you have been given?  As you begin to notice the goodness and release the judgment and old stories and pressures, you will find energy to learn and grow and flourish into the person you were created to be.  From this place of truth and authority, love will fill your home and workplace and invite those around you to a life that is worth living. 

Your Pain is a Gift

I awoke in a panic at 5 am, feeling like I should jump out of bed and start running.  I had nowhere I needed to be and nothing real pressing in on me, but my heart insisted there was urgency and I needed to move quickly.  I resisted and tried to remind myself it is Saturday and that it is good to rest, but the panic wouldn’t let up.  I finally got up to meditate and as I moved, my husband wrapped his arm around me urging me to stay in bed, but my heart only quickened and a feeling of being trapped came over me.  He thanked me for the fun date night and was so tender and kind.  I began to cry.  My tears were the releasing of the shame I felt for not being able to be more present on our date night.  I went through the motions and followed along, but my heart was not in it.  I couldn’t connect because of the anxiety I was feeling.   The tears fell because I feel sorry that he has to deal with this, and that I have to wake up again feeling “off.”  He didn’t sign up for this and I feel sad that I can’t be the wife/mom/ person I want to be in my anxiety.  I feel broken, scared and unable to flip the switch.  The tears bring a bit of relief to my swirling heart and I know it is going to be ok.

As I sit on my mat to meditate, my mind is swirling.  I notice my connection to the earth and begin to settle.  There is a chaotic energy that tries to pull me away from the stability that sitting in stillness brings.  I notice it and allow it to be without judgment.  I lengthen my spine and start to tune into my breath.  The spaciousness I feel as I breathe mindfully offers me hope.  I pause and rest in the fullness of the breath, knowing that I am filled with Spirit.  I breathe out to release the tension in my heart, the chaos of my thoughts, all that I am holding.  Letting go brings relief.  I am thankful for the way that this simple practice of sitting and breathing anchors me and re-orients me to the divine. 

I wish that I could tell you that this calm stillness that I experience in meditation remains, but for me this is not the case.  It is a continuous practice throughout the day of returning, re-orienting and resting in the stillness.  Some days are easier than others, but for some reason this summer has had many hard days.  It feels like my heart is in a terrible war and the very gift of freedom that I fight to offer to my clients and those I am blessed to work with often alludes me.  I taste it and than “poof!” it is gone.  I believe your pain carries with it a gift and the very message you need in order to move forward.  Many times when the anxiety is intense I stop and write a letter to it, thanking it for being here.  I am learning to love and accept this messenger that is trying to remind me to slow down and trust.

Anxiety is like an unwanted house guest and the more I try to ignore it and banish it to the basement, the more damage it causes to the temple of my heart. Today, I am going to embrace it and listen to it.  I am going to get curious to what it is trying to tell me.  I am going to welcome this energy and love it as a part of me.  The moment I reach out and hold it with tenderness, it seems to dissipate and lose its horrifying grip on me.  Because I love to help people who are struggling to find the peace and freedom they were created to enjoy, I believe it is important to feel this experience fully so that I can truly empathize with others who suffer in this way.  We are not the suffering that we experience, we are the pure light of the world, but sometimes we get tangled up in the dark and lose our way home.  Sometimes we need a guide; someone who will hold our hand and walk along the slippery slopes reminding us that we are going to be ok.

In every moment we have the power to choose.  What are you going to choose today?  Why don’t you take a moment to sit in stillness?   As you return to the present moment, you will find that the peace you are longing for is already within.  Practice opening up and allowing this beautiful gift of light to flow through you.  Pause often and rest in this stillness, abide in the love you were made for.  Breathe away the pain and tension you have carried so patiently on your shoulders and know that you are on a journey toward wholeness.  Every little thing you experience is growing you and shaping you and making you amazing.  Trust it!